There Are Things to Die For
by Dingle
Summary: The Griffins are having a normal week, until a burglar tries breaking in. But the burglar is caught and everything is normal, right? Wrong. Death is missing, and soon a whole army of undead zombies will rise! What's worse: They're lead by Bob Ross!
1. Default Chapter

There Are Things to Die For  
A Family Guy Fan Fiction  
By Joseph L.  
  
This fan fiction is, in no way, related to Fuzzy Door or FOX. It is a Family Guy story written by a fan who loves (and misses) the show. I am not  
making any money off of it, so DAMN YOU ALL!  
  
One fine afternoon, after school and work, the Griffins were in the living room, watching their television. Peter, Lois (holding Stewie on her lap), Chris and Brian were sitting on the couch, while Meg was lying on the floor. They were watching a movie about lions being kings.  
  
"Simba," the deep-voiced lion said to his cub, "when I was young, my father told me that those stars up there are old kings."  
"Grandpa's crazy," the cub said.  
"Why you little--!" the lion screamed.  
The lion then strangled the cub.  
  
"Can we change the channel?" Brian asked Peter.  
"No, Stewie wants to watch this," Peter replied.  
"Lions are amazing creatures," Stewie said. "Some of them even eat their own cubs!" "The daddy lion is choking the baby lion," Chris giggled.  
"Who'd ever thought we'd see that on the Disney Channel?" Meg shrugged.  
"I thought we were watching Toon Disney! Why did you lie to me?" Chris cried.  
"Now, Chris, they're basically the same thing. Except Toon Disney are full of tolerable cartoons whereas the Disney Channel sucks completely," Peter explained.  
"Peter!" Lois snapped.  
"Lois, compare House of Mouse with Lizzie Maguire. House of Mouse kicks Maguire's ass. I'd take Toon Disney over Disney Channel anyday!" Peter declared. "Let's see what's on Toon Disney."  
Peter changed the channel to Toon Disney and the now-adult cub strangled his daughter.  
"Aw, crap," Peter whined, "it's the sequel."  
  
It seems today that all you see  
Is violence and movies and sex on T.V.  
But where are those good old fashioned values,  
Of which we used to rely?  
  
Lucky there's a family guy  
Lucky there's a man who positively can do  
All the things that make us  
Laugh 'n cry!  
He's a family guy!  
  
That same evening, the family was eating dinner. "This is freakin' delicious, Lois. What is it?" Peter asked, while swallowing a mouthful of meat. "It's steak, Peter. I thought I told you we were having steak for dinner," Lois said.  
  
"Five times," Brian said, drinking from his glass of wine. Meg finished her meal and stood up. She quickly brought her plate to the sink and washed it. When she finished she sat it down, walked towards the living room and called out. "I'm going to cheerleading tryouts," Meg said. Lois, puzzled, looked out the window and noticed there was no sun. "This late?" "The schedule has been changed. Cheerleading practice is not at 6:30," Meg explained while putting on a sweater. "Why?" Chris asked. "Because the auditorium's closed," Meg said. "It's being repaired." "Then where is physical education being taught?" Brian asked.  
  
The P.E. teacher and thirty students stood in the middle of a forest. The teacher looked at a boy and pointed at a bear. "See that, Jimmy?" the teacher asked. "Yes, Mr. Payne," Jimmy nodded. Jimmy wore wrestling gear, while the other students wore P.E. clothes. "One student at a time has to wrestle forest animals. There's a bear right there, so wrestle him. The auditorium's closed so we couldn't get the other wrestling gears. Now hustle!" the teacher ordered. Jimmy charged at the bear and gave him a headlock. A few seconds later, the bear tore apart Jimmy to shreds. "Oh, my," the teacher mumbled while watching blood gush out of poor Jimmy. The teacher then held out a clipboard with a piece of paper in it and took out a pen. He marked off Jimmy on the list. "I'll just mark him absent," the teacher said. "Next!"  
  
"Well, be careful, Meg," Lois said. "Mother!" Stewie shouted. "Yes, my little baby?" Lois smiled at Stewie.  
  
"My cup is empty! Refill it!" Stewie demanded. "You want a refill?" Lois asked. "Yes!" Stewie shouted. Lois stood up, took Stewie's baby cup, and went to the fridge to refill it with juice. Stewie took out a laser gun and aimed for Lois' head. He pulled the trigger, but Lois moved out of the way, barely missing the laser. She filled the cup and sat it on Stewie's tray. "There you go, sweety," Lois said.  
  
Later that night, Peter sat outside on the house's stoop, eating a tasty dessert of cherry pie. He looked up and saw Meg running to the house, crying. "What's wrong, Meg?" Peter asked. "I went to the tryouts for cheerleading," Meg bawled. Peter smiled. "Well don't keep your old man guessing! How did it go?" "I'll give you a hint: I S-U-C-K-E-D-'sucked'!" Meg cried. "Yay! I-oh, I'm sorry to hear that," Peter said sympathetically. Peter leaned forward and placed a hand on Meg's shoulder. "Meg, you don't need to be a cheerleader to impress me. I'm proud of you, and you should always be yourself." Meg smiled and wiped away tears. She hugged Peter and kissed him on his right cheek. "Thanks, Daddy! I love you!" "Anytime, sweety," Peter said, eating his dessert again. When Meg opened the door and stepped inside, Brian walked out and sat next to Peter. "So, how's the fisherman business, Peter?" Brian asked. "It's fine. Good pay and stuff," Peter replied. "Can't believe Mr. Weed has been dead for months," Brian said. "Do you ever miss the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory?" "No," Peter said. "Ooh! Except that one time the stripper arrived for Helen's birthday party but the stripper turned out to be her son." Brian shuddered while Peter giggled. "This is why I don't work."  
  
Late that night, Brian was sleeping on the floor in the living room. Then he woke up to the sound of a crash. "What the hell was that?" Brian asked quietly.  
  
Brian got up and ran towards the sound of the crash. A burglar shattered the window in the kitchen and tried to squeeze in. "Halt!" Brain bravely spoke. "A talking dog?" the burglar asked. "Stop where you are, Pat Thompson," Brian ordered. "How did you know my name?" Pat asked. "It's written on your mask," Brian replied. Lois walked into the kitchen and flicked on the switch, turning on the kitchen light. "Brian, what's-oh, my god!" Lois screamed. Peter ran into the kitchen as well, and noticed the same thing. He turned to Brian and pointed. "Brian! You didn't open the door for him!" "Peter, he's a thief," Lois said. Peter patted Brian's head. "Good boy." Then Peter looked at the caught burglar and narrowed his eyes. "Bastard."  
  
After the burglar was thrown into a police car, Peter thanked his neighbor, Joe, who happened to be a police lieutenant. "Thanks for coming with your men, Joe," Peter said. "No problem, Peter," Joe laughed. "Night, Joe," Pete said. "Good night," Joe replied. Joe wheeled back to his house and Peter walked inside his house. They would fix the window later. 


	2. The Game of Death

A week later after the event, Death drove in his yellow slug bug, off to do his job. "Jesus Christ!" Death exclaimed to himself. "Three hundred people killed in a movie theater. Why the hell didn't they run away when the building started collapsing?"  
  
The audience, wearing 3-D glasses, thought the theater crashing down was part of the screen's show. "This is very realistic!" a man shouted. "Look, daddy!" his young son said. "They even got red paint on my stomach! And a fake piece of glass, too!"  
  
Suddenly, Death's car broke down. "Aw, jeez," Death sighed. Death stepped out of the car and approached the engine. He lifted up the hood and an orange werewolf hopped out. "What the hell!" Death called out. The werewolf grabbed Death and used magic to make him faint. The werewolf then held onto him and ran away.  
  
A day after Death's kidnapping, Tom and Diane, Quahog's news reporters, were reporting a new event. "It seems no one is dying again," Diane said, introducing the topic.  
  
"Last year there was a night when Quahog resident Peter Griffin would not die in the Drunken Clam. He drank over three hundred bottles of beer without being infected with lead poisoning, started riots, and was shot repeatedly by our Asian reporter," Tom explained. The Griffins were watching this at their home, on the couch. "Death!" Peter shouted. "Peter?" Lois asked. "Chris is holding up a sign with 'death" written on it," Peter answered.  
  
"That's what it spells?" Chris asked. "I thought it spelled 'Doritos'". "Death must be missing," Brian said. "What do you mean, Brian?" Meg asked. "Remember when Death sprained his ankle? No one died," Brian explained. "Thank God those Dawson Creek kids are all right," Peter said. "I'd hate to see such young actors perish." Tom cleared his throat. "In other news, the entire cast of Dawson's Creek died last night while trying to steal free cable. They fell off the roof, snapped their necks, and died instantly," Tom said, trying to contain laughter.  
  
"Aw, crap," Peter mumbled. "Tom, you find this funny?" Diane asked, angry. "Well, I hate being a liar so, yes," Tom said. "Well, at least your honest," Diane sighed. "Your mother's a bitch," Tom said. There was dead silence for a while, until the Griffins turned off the T.V. Lois paced around the room. "I'm not really fond of Death, but I hope he's okay," she said, worried.  
  
Death woke up, shackled on a slap, in a dark room. "I hate starting Mondays like this," Death sighed. 


End file.
